WARFIGHTERS! As a step to creating certain we’re prepared for warfare always, now we have determined to ELIMINATE THE MANDATORY FLU SHOT! Nothing says “we’re prepared for battle” like “all of us have the flu.”
Get your hot-water bottles! Get your ibuprofen! Not Tylenol, although! It is aware of what it did. As a result of we’re bringing FLU to the warfighters! Are you able to have a RUNNY NOSE and an ITCHY THROAT? Are you able to get REALLY SERIOUSLY DEHYDRATED AND NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION? Hoo-RAH!
We’ll terrify the enemy by coming in scorching! And once I say scorching I imply our temperatures! We’ll want COUGH DROPS, and we are going to knock these again, CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH, with a sound extra horrifying than gunfire. This can strike concern into the hearts of the enemy. They are going to say issues like “Do you want a tissue?” and “Are you okay?” and when they’re providing us that tissue, we are going to strike. After which we are going to return to mattress and lie below a tactical pile of warfighting blankets. Peak efficiency is when you might have a horrible headache and need to be asleep, and everytime you open your mouth you sound like somebody took garden shears to your vocal cords. YEAH!
We’re going to expertise BODILY ACHES and, in fact, CHILLS! That is the warfighter method! Not having the flu was holding us again. Once we are nondrowsy with maximum-strength treatment we are going to even perhaps SEE GOD AND COMMUNICATE WITH HIM. (He’s male and he loves it whenever you do a push-up! Lately, he whispered in my ear that battle crimes are okay, confirming what I had at all times suspected to be true!)
If footage of me doing an incorrect push-up can not intimidate America’s foes, the data that our complete combating power MIGHT HAVE THE FLU AT ANY TIME and is CERTAINLY VULNERABLE TO THE LATEST STRAIN will! Yeah, we aren’t afraid to stare loss of life within the face. That may most likely impress them.
I haven’t washed my arms in additional than 10 years! I don’t see germs. I’m the secretary of battle, and I demand that each cell in my physique be combating at each second. Particularly the white blood cells (most likely probably the most meritorious kind of cell, and the one variety I’d promote). I would like them to combat on a regular basis. That’s the Pete Hegseth legacy: pointless, pointless battles all over the place you look. Towards the media. Towards our personal guidelines of engagement. Towards historical past. Towards the flu. All battles I’m assured we will win, with little to no casualties. (Please don’t inform me about any occasions that occurred up to now, say between the 12 months 1918 and the current.)
The perfect warrior is he who fights probably the most. Particularly when he doesn’t must. I believe Solar Tzu stated that. However I’d by no means learn Solar Tzu. First, he’s from a nation I take into account a geopolitical foe. And second, Solar Tzu is lifeless. I’ll by no means die. I’m too robust a warrior.
Some say George Washington, who labored onerous to inoculate the troops 250 years in the past, could be ashamed of this improvement. I say, I’m ashamed of George Washington. He wasn’t man sufficient to face down illness unassisted. I wager he couldn’t do a single push-up.
