“In life there are two tragedies,” Oscar Wilde as soon as stated. “One shouldn’t be getting what one desires. The opposite is getting it.” The second tragedy was what I noticed final night time on the Kennedy Heart Honors.
For so long as I can keep in mind, I’ve been obsessive about the Kennedy Heart Honors, an odd, D.C.-based entertainment-awards present the place 4 celebrities you’ve heard of (and one you must have) put on medals, sit in a particular field on the Kennedy Heart with the president, and obtain some type of creative tribute. In contrast to different awards reveals, which honor celebrities of the current, these have fun a lifetime of achievements. After they’re good, they’re very, excellent (consider Adam Lambert’s transcendent “Consider” cowl for Cher, or Aretha Franklin enjoying for Carole King). After they’re unusual, they’re very, very unusual (the Francis Ford Coppola tribute wherein everybody sat at a dinner desk springs to thoughts).
Are the Kennedy Heart Honors vital? Right now? Even slightly bit? Completely not. Have I been longing my entire life to attend one? Completely. You may have the Grammys! You may have the Oscars! These are my all the things. There’s at the least one different one who feels precisely the identical method: the president of america. And final night time, we have been each in attendance.
Think about that you’ve wished to host the Honors all of your life. Now you get to. The honorees are a number of of your favorites. Gloria Gaynor, the singer of the 1978 hit “I Will Survive.” Michael Crawford, who originated the function of the Phantom of the Opera on Broadway and received the Tony for it in 1988. Sylvester Stallone. George Strait. Kiss.
However one thing’s off. The entire night has the traits of a want made on a monkey’s paw. You wished the 4 Seasons, however you bought 4 Seasons Whole Landscaping. Why is a “content material creator” introducing one of many tributes to Gloria Gaynor? The place is Meryl Streep? Why does an evening that must be Donald Trump’s best triumph really feel a lot like he revived the Honors from the Pet Sematary?
Begin with the crimson carpet. Somebody who appears to be like like Kellyanne Conway however isn’t walks down it. (This will simply be how each girl voluntarily attending Trump occasions appears to be like now.) Gene Simmons is impolite to a reporter who asks him about his previous criticism of Trump. He says the American dream is alive and nicely; his mom fled Germany and he’s fortunate to have a great life right here. Thank goodness America stays a welcoming place for refugees to make a greater life, so we will proceed to get pleasure from music. (Grasp on for a second whereas I Google the administration’s stance on refugees!)
Doug Burgum, secretary of the inside, is providing the doubtful, barely backhanded praise that Trump is “the one president we’ve had that may be capable of step in and host a present like this” and “probably the most certified TV host we’ve ever had sitting within the Oval Workplace.”
Howard Lutnick, the commerce secretary, is remarking that he “loves The Phantom of the Opera.”
If the truth that Doug Burgum and Howard Lutnick are strolling the crimson carpet makes you ponder whether anybody well-known is in attendance, that’s an accurate impulse. Sylvester Stallone is there, however he bypasses the carpet, strolling quickly some other place. The NewsNation reporter subsequent to me tells her viewers that the carpet is slightly bit “lighter” on “the Hollywood facet” than is typical.
The president arrives final, with Melania, who’s sporting a black robe that, structurally, jogs my memory of the roof of the constructing previously often called the Institute of Peace (now the Trump Institute of Peace). Trump says that he’s going to be himself. That, he says, is what Johnny Carson did. He takes the opera-house stage and proclaims, “I’m going to attempt to act like Johnny Carson.”
“A lot of you’re depressing, horrible individuals. I want you’d quit, however you don’t,” Trump tells the viewers. The “massive, lovely invoice” will get a shout-out: “It was alleged to be 17 payments. We wrapped them into one.” We’re knowledgeable that the honorees know that “it’s all about successful. You win ahead. And that’s how successful is finished.” Wherever you go, there you’re, I assume.
He compares Sylvester Stallone favorably to Orson Welles (who peaked at 25). Along with the tribute to Sylvester Stallone, filmmaker, we’re handled to a separate video extolling him completely as a painter, together with voice-overs the place he explains his work—at all times an encouraging signal for an artist!
Kelsey Grammer begins the Michael Crawford tribute by singing, “Hi there, Michael! Effectively, whats up, Michael!” to the tune of “Hi there, Dolly!” Is that this what you wished for, Donald? There’s a sure irony in a canopy of “It Solely Takes a Second” that takes what appears like 18 years as a result of it has been slowed to an unearthly crawl by a Oh mama forged member. (“Isn’t that one thing,” Kelsey Grammer says afterward. “My goodness.”)
Michael Crawford appears happy to be included, although I really feel prefer it should sting to have the tribute itemizing all of your accomplishments finish abruptly within the 12 months 1988. I’ve watched these Honors earlier than! Often they point out some form of triumphant return! Lie, if mandatory. Of all of the instances for this administration to determine to cling strictly to the information.
Lastly we arrive in the meanwhile that the president has absolutely been ready for: the Phantom of the Opera duet. This will probably be sung by Laura Osnes, a famously not-vaccinated-for-COVID former Broadway performer, and … David Phelps, whose Wikipedia bio calls him “an American Christian music vocalist, songwriter, vocal arranger, and producer” and notes that “on January 13, 2008, Phelps appeared on Excessive Makeover Dwelling Version.” Subsequent, Phelps tackles “The Music of the Evening” alone.
My notes from this level within the night learn “Donald Trump possibly is in hell.” Congratulations, Mr. President! It’s one in every of your favourite songs, carried out at your Kennedy Heart Honors! Oh, nice! By a Broadway star? Effectively … the performer does have a TV credit score! Then once more, if he’s harbored the need to listen to “The Music of the Evening” with extra of a Christian pop vocal, possibly he’s over the moon.
“I like nation,” the president says earlier than the George Strait tribute. (This will get a small however distinct giggle from a part of the viewers.) This section options precise nation stars, together with Brooks and Dunn and Miranda Lambert. If President Trump certainly loves nation, it must be the spotlight of the night! If he’s somebody for whom the head of leisure is Catspossibly not.
Gloria Gaynor is subsequent. A disco ball the scale of a small boulder descends to hold over Elle King, and 10 exuberant dancers wearing what I believe is gold lamé come out to tug my eyes away from the singer at each alternative as she sings “I Will Survive.” Unusual to see the originator of this queer anthem on the Kennedy Heart Honors for an administration that has proven such disdain for LGBTQ individuals. What has introduced her right here? The tribute video reveals that she has pivoted to gospel music.
After a short disco medley, the lighting modifications. The projected nightclub imagery turns into stained-glass home windows and gospel musicians enter. The disco ball remains to be caught there, awkwardly, casting crimson and yellow and blue mild across the room. Trump bops alongside dutifully to “Treasured Lord.” Is that this what you wished for, Mr. President?
Garth Brooks is now right here for Kiss. He praises their “conversational lyrics” and “commonsense chord progressions,” which, once more, doesn’t sound as complimentary because it may.
Who’s up subsequent to current? Why, it’s the magician Criss Angel! The Mindfreak seems for a tribute to Kiss in a closely bedazzled swimsuit with what seems to be the mangled carcass of a chandelier dangling from the shoulders. He’s there to supply a particular magical tribute to Ace Frehley wherein smoke pours out of a guitar whereas a vibrant mild shines on it.
We finish with “Rock and Roll All Nite.” Then Donald Trump comes out to thank us and inform us to get residence safely. I want we may entice the president in some form of terrarium and make him do that form of factor completely. If solely this have been all simply leisure, and the one males with their faces hidden by masks have been doing tributes to Michael Crawford.
On the best way out, passing the after-party (you may pose with a Phantom of the Opera–themed picture backdrop that includes crimson roses and an enormous masks!), I stroll previous the true Kellyanne Conway in a inexperienced mermaid gown boogieing alongside to “Take On Me.” The quilt band, maybe sensing that I’m on deadline and will use the content material, performs a melancholy Harry Kinds hit: You already know it’s not the identical because it was.
This might be Donald Trump’s heaven, if solely the world would cooperate. However as an alternative all the things he touches turns to brass. His pop turns to nation; his Broadway turns to Christian rock; his disco turns to gospel. He’s so shut that he can virtually style it, however he won’t ever get to style it. Donald Trump is in hell. If solely we weren’t trapped there with him.
