Kathy Barnes-Lou cared for her mom for 14 years earlier than her demise. She realized that caregiving can deliver life’s objective into focus, even because it grinds you down.
AYESHA RASCOE, HOST:
Within the U.S. right now, nearly 1 in 4 adults are caring for an getting older or chronically unwell member of the family or good friend. And there’s no nationwide system for elder care, so caregivers largely do all of it on their very own.
KATHY BARNES-LOU: You understand, as a caregiver, you are an advocate. You are the person who cleans the house and orders the meds, will get the provides, schedule medical doctors’ appointments.
RASCOE: That is Kathy Barnes-Lou, whose mom had Parkinson’s illness and lived along with her in Memphis, Tennessee, till her demise final yr. She shared her story with reporter Kat McGowan, who’s bringing us these portraits of caregivers.
KAT MCGOWAN: Barnes-Lou cared for her mother for over 10 years, and over that point, she needed to let go of most of her previous life.
BARNES-LOU: Caregiving is so tough. Even on the actually good days, it is simply tough since you’re abandoning relationships, careers, earnings, pensions, retirement. All of that I am abandoning.
MCGOWAN: Ultimately, it turned a 24/7 job. Her mom wanted assist with every thing.
BARNES-LOU: In all probability the final 4 years of her life, she was bedbound in a hospital mattress right here in our residence. And so every thing occurs in these dimensions, which is, like, 80 inches by 36 inches. That’s her world, and I might change into such an intimate a part of that world.
MCGOWAN: Like the vast majority of all household caregivers, Barnes-Lou had no outdoors assist. She had solely her husband for assist.
BARNES-LOU: So I might wake within the morning, and I might put together her medicine. And I might go into her room, and I might, you recognize, say, good morning, Mother. And I might inform her I really like her and ask her what she’d need for breakfast. And he or she couldn’t feed herself, so I might feed her.
MCGOWAN: Barnes-Lou additionally needed to grasp abilities like bodily remedy and managing medicines. She primarily turned her mom’s personal nurse.
BARNES-LOU: She had a wound that I needed to look after and gown and preserve clear and keep and alter her garments, change her sheets. Some folks could by no means have the chance of adjusting sheets whereas somebody is mendacity within the mattress. That’s utterly lifeless weight, and you have to discover ways to navigate that, how you can transfer them safely whereas getting dirty sheets off.
MCGOWAN: To maintain her mom’s physique versatile, she needed to transfer her legs and arms each two hours all day – and, for some time, all night time too.
BARNES-LOU: Regardless that I used to be simply bodily exhausted, utterly spent from the day’s efforts, I might by no means reveal it to her. So I might kiss her, and I would go away her room. After which I might take into consideration, you recognize, simply how a lot I really like her. However on the identical time, my physique and my thoughts is kind of looking and foraging for extra bodily and emotional assets. You understand, eight or 9 hours later, I do know that I will must rise up and do it once more.
MCGOWAN: However caring for her mother was additionally satisfying. In some methods, she says, it was even a reduction.
BARNES-LOU: I knew – once I shut that door, I used to be so comforted understanding she’s in an surroundings the place she is beloved. And so, subsequently, that interprets into me as nicely. I get a way of peace and luxury understanding that I am offering this for my mom, regardless that, you recognize, it’s stripping me of my bodily assets, my emotional assets on the identical time.
MCGOWAN: Her mom died in April of 2025, and Barnes-Lou continues to be recovering from the toll that caregiving took on her thoughts and physique. However she says she’s clear about why she did it, and he or she has no regrets.
BARNES-LOU: So I would not change something. I might by no means change this expertise, and I might do it once more. I might signal proper up.
MCGOWAN: For NPR Information, I am Kat McGowan.
Copyright © 2026 NPR. All rights reserved. Go to our web site phrases of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for additional info.
Accuracy and availability of NPR transcripts could range. Transcript textual content could also be revised to appropriate errors or match updates to audio. Audio on npr.org could also be edited after its unique broadcast or publication. The authoritative report of NPR’s programming is the audio report.
