“I need to simply thank all people, and specifically, God. We love you, God.”
— Donald Trump, asserting strikes on Iran
Hello. It’s Me, God.
I do know what you’re considering: I all the time imagined that if God existed, and cared about one factor, it might be peace. Peace, and conserving kids from dying, maybe? How did You get entangled in sending these bombers to Iran, to “decrease the temperature of world battle whereas concurrently sort of elevating it right here as a way to decrease it,” within the immortal phrases of freshman Consultant Pat Harrigan of North Carolina?
Does Your involvement suggest that anybody has a plan, aside from considering that they’re smarter than each different president? There’s a Greek phrase for that, and it isn’t plan.
No God value Their salt could be snarled in battleyou’re considering, least of all a battle being waged by the Trump administration, which has the long-term strategic acumen of an enraged opossum caught in a trash bag. This can be a president who thinks he can will a cease-fire into being by way of Fact Social posts alone.
Didn’t you used to make helium and rhinos and the idea of time? What occurred to you, God? How did you get combined up on this?
What can I inform you? All the things that’s occurring now’s so miserable. I needed to tune out for the sake of My psychological well being, and which will have been taken the mistaken approach.
My days look completely different now from once I was busy inventing that factor that dew does when it will get caught in a spider’s net and the sunshine catches it excellent. Principally, I spend my time agonizing over who ought to win Tremendous Bowls and giving folks partial piggyback rides throughout the sand. I lurk perennially simply out of vary for Margaret.
I care deeply concerning the outcomes of soccer video games. It issues to me that folks pray ultimately zone. I take note of that sort of factor.
Awards exhibits, after all, I watch intently, to make sure I’m thanked. (I’ve a protracted reminiscence for ingratitude.) I’m continuously on TikTok, doing oddly particular favors for some folks and threatening others, until they have interaction in fixed prostration. “Good home,” I’m all the time saying. “Good life. Good child. Can be a disgrace if one thing occurred to it.” Keep in mind what I did to Job? (Allegedly.)
I’m large into decor. Search for my affect on a driftwood signal between eat and love. I work arduous in order that influencers have blessed days. I provide you with customized plans for Drake and people who find themselves going by means of tough breakups. I’m all the time sending messages, particularly round lottery-ticket purchases. I made positive Nicole Scherzinger received that Tony Award. I made a decision whether or not George Santos stayed in workplace. I regarded out for Bob Menendezup to some extent. I advised a pastor in Denver to promote some very doubtful cryptocurrency.
After I’m not backseat-driving high-school soccer coaches’ prayers, I like to pose for John McNaughton work. I’m there, whispering my ideas to Mikes (Huckabee, Johnson) and telling them I like that they’re in cost. I care if Speaker of the Home Mike Johnson watches porn. I care an ideal deal!
I’m concerned in the whole lot as of late, besides what issues. So many small, bizarre yeses to disguise the enormity of the no’s. I assist out with awards, and I hearken to Speaker Johnson’s issues, and I help with private self-importance initiatives, and I ignore the whole lot else. Sure, the whole lot. Must ship extra bombs someplace? Positive, for those who assume it’ll assist your model! Simply don’t ask me to assist out a single youngster or bend the arc of the universe towards justice anymore. I’m taking a while for Me now. You’re welcome, Donald Trump. Good luck with the whole lot! So excited to collaborate on collectible Bibles with you!
