My father dislikes firework reveals, for all the explanations {that a} man who handed his youth squeezing a set off within the title of God and nation dislikes firework reveals. He loves fireworks, nonetheless, if he’s the one lighting them, a psychological loophole that he and I’ve availed ourselves of at a lot of East Coast tourist-trap locales over time. Our most up-to-date journey was an tour to South Carolina after I was in my 20s: We loaded up a rented golf cart with an excessive quantity of fireworks and a average quantity of Miller Lite and set off for the seashore to take pleasure in each. The golf cart was road-legal, however whether or not the fireworks have been beach-legal was a query I didn’t suppose to ask. I used to be dwelling in New York Metropolis on the time, besotted with its buzzy eating places and rooftop bars, and that journey, with its unpretentious pleasure, is after I began to understand my dad’s quiet enthusiasm for easy enjoyable. It was additionally after I started to suspect that I would in the future run out of zeal for New York’s inexhaustible provide of novel experiences.
That was a couple of decade in the past, after I was unencumbered and never particularly involved with following native fireworks ordinances. Now, nonetheless, I’m a father and a husband, have decamped to Maine, and am an ostensibly respectable member of the nation’s citizenry. So after I set out this week with the aim of re-creating the fireworks-on-the-beach expertise I’d had with my father, I needed to do it by the ebook.
I assumed this could be easy. Fireworks, like sports activities playing, weed, and different widespread vices, have been on a sluggish march towards legalization in current many years. (Maybe unsurprisingly, fireworks accidents in America have risen as legalization has unfold. A report launched in June estimated that the variety of fireworks-related ER visits in 2024 was 40 p.c greater than in 2014.) The one state that also bans all client fireworks outright is Massachusetts, which signifies that the one place the place you may’t have fun American freedom with a bang is the place the combat for American freedom started with a bang. Maine, in contrast, has a number of the most permissive fireworks legal guidelines within the nation. I assumed that every one I would want to do was drive to the fuel station for beer, the fireworks retailer for provides, and an area seashore for kaboom. I had no thought I’d find yourself on a days-long odyssey with the un-Homeric aim of discovering a stretch of oceanfront on which to legally deploy a number of hundred {dollars}’ value of consumer-grade pyrotechnics.
I used to be proper about one factor: Procuring fireworks legally was straightforward. (Although it was not low cost—costs this yr are significantly greater than I bear in mind, the results of inflation and tariffs.) I walked into my native Phantom Fireworks retailer on Monday, confirmed my ID to an worker—who apparently forgot to offer me the protection spiel that I later heard him rattle off for different prospects—and walked up and down the aisles, surveying the merchandise. I used to be directly overwhelmed by the panorama of distinctly American extra and moved by the good number of American life to which it attested.
I found leisure explosives for each type of individual residing inside this nation’s borders, befitting each form of enthusiasm and ideological dedication: castle-doctrine “STAND YOUR GROUND” fireworks for the Second Modification fanatic ($349.99), Rosie the Riveter fireworks for the feminist ($120.00), Illuminati-triangle fireworks for the conspiracist ($49.99), “SINGULARITY” fireworks for the AI fanatic ($135.00), lobster-festooned “Depraved Pissah” fireworks for the New Englander ($49.99), Battle of Yorktown fireworks for historical past buffs ($179.99), “Shagadellic Mojo” fireworks for the attractive buyer ($44.99), suggestively silhouetted “Mega Mojo!” fireworks for the very attractive buyer ($149.99), and, my private favourite, Boyz II Males fireworks for many who love soulful harmonies ($199.99). Of the accessible ways in which an grownup can spend tons of of {dollars} on 20-odd seconds of delight, the Boyz II Males “Finish of the Highway”–themed Phantom Fireworks particular is definitely among the many extra virtuous.
The shop additionally provided an abundance of firework sorts: bombettes, mortars, ground-bound fountains that emit a volcanic torrent of sparks. I used to be almost seduced by a Komodo-dragon-themed fountain, however I imagine {that a} true firework ought to go up and go increase, and a person should stand on precept. After half a dozen laps by means of the aisles, I marched as much as the money register with 5 choices, all within the aerial “cake” type that fires flaming balls from a collection of hid mortar tubes: one which appeared impressed by Jaws and one by Jurassic Park (my favourite Spielberg films); one “Depraved Pissah” (which appeared compulsory); one “Bait a Hook” field, catering to fishermen (consistent with my angling obsession); and a generic rah-rah-patriotism bundle with the overwrought title “’Neath the Pink, White and Blue.”
Later, seized with irrational panic that I lacked an actual showstopper, I returned to the shop and requested the primary purple-shirted Phantom worker I noticed for one thing below $200 that might make an actual impression. He wordlessly shuffled to the farthest wall, pulled a bundle labeled “Geomagnetic Storm” ($129.99) from a excessive show, and gave the field a hearty slap on its aspect, as you may burp a child. “They like this one,” he reported. I have no idea who “they” are, however I trusted their style implicitly. I left the shop significantly poorer and with the unshakable conviction that though the American venture might not but endure, nobody can say we don’t have enjoyable.
The place to have that enjoyable was one other matter. The convenience with which I legally bought the fireworks lulled me into overoptimism in regards to the ease with which I might legally deploy them. As I quickly discovered, though Maine takes a reasonably laissez-faire method to fireworks on the state degree, most of the state’s native municipalities implement their very own restrictions. Some areas designate particular dates and instances when fireworks may be set off (mostly, July Fourth and New Yr’s Eve); others ban them year-round. On high of this, my want to launch fireworks from a seashore was an issue: Maine permits client fireworks for use solely on personal property, and I don’t, alas, have a home with its personal seashore.
I used to be curious if I would be capable to finagle a maritime workaround. I contacted some native fireplace departments to ask in regards to the permissibility, and knowledge, of deploying small fireworks from a ship. (I don’t have a ship, however I do have a buddy with a ship and poor judgment.) At first, nobody I spoke with was in a position to definitively say whether or not this feature was protected or authorized, however one really helpful that I name a Coast Guard data line. My Coast Guard question yielded no solutions, but it surely did result in the suggestion that I contact Maine’s fire-marshal workplace, the place ultimately a diligent and useful public servant instructed me that launching fireworks from a private watercraft is totally unlawful. However additionally they added—maybe wink-winkingly, undoubtedly humorously—that the fireplace marshal “issued zero citations for this in 2024.”
My many cellphone calls, one in-person go to to the fireplace division, and hours of scrutinizing native fireworks legal guidelines led me to appreciate that my modest aim of legally setting off fireworks on a seashore in remark of this nation’s birthday was far too bold. I used to be compelled to not let the proper be the enemy of the great, and to compromise. The specifics of that compromise I depart as much as the reader’s creativeness, however the upshot is that $300.60 of civilian-market explosives finally met their logical finish in an extravagant and all-too-brief flurry of detonations. To my slight disappointment, the fireworks I had purchased, together with the fabled Geomagnetic Storm, have been largely indistinguishable from each other. No matter value or theme, they did about the identical factor after I lit them: shot up into the sky with a hiss, exploded in a cacophony, and issued a final burst of sunshine and colour. However they nonetheless had their evergreen capability to elicit an involuntary squeal of pleasure from a grown man. In the long run, enjoyable was had, 10 fingers have been retained, the vacation was celebrated, and the ensuing video was texted to my father, who instantly requested the one query that issues: “What else do you’ve gotten? Any mortars?” God bless America.
