Sure, it’s true—DOGE “doesn’t exist” anymore. However we might by no means dream of letting it evaporate with out an exit interview. DOGE: It’s your flip to ship us a pointless, time-consuming e mail explaining what precisely it was that you just did right here.
Expensive America,
The way to start to recount our monumental achievements? By no means have so few finished a lot to so many.
Just a few highlights …
We have been keen to be weak. Shared vulnerability brings folks collectively, and by that metric, hundreds of thousands of Individuals are actually nearer than after we began. What we try to say is, we uploaded Social Safety information to the cloud in a worrisomely insecure methodas one whistleblower famous. Now we’re all in danger!
We tried new issues. The Institute of Peace briefly turned a battlefield. (An thrilling pivot!)
We took dangers. Cuts to the U.S. Forest Service made our nationwide forests extra harmful and dirtier. We have now elevated the chance of devastating wildfires and in addition hacked away on the forces that struggle them. What can we are saying? Some males love to observe the world burn, and we’re some males. We have now additionally made it simpler for hurricanes to sneak up on us, so as to add one other thrilling factor of hazard to the lives of common Individuals. We have now lengthy felt that within the battle of Man versus Nature, Man had an unfair benefit.
We stored some issues constant. Most individuals would agree that authorities inefficiencies exist and that somebody ought to deal with them. And after DOGE, folks really feel that solely extra strongly. Earlier than DOGE, methods meant to serve hundreds of thousands of individuals have been being run by just a few harried workers utilizing outdated methods. And now, after DOGE, they’re being run by even fewereven extra harried workers on those self same outdated methods! The ability of DOGE: to alienate even Leland Dudeka person who began out keen to ask drastic develop into the Social Safety Administration.
We turned issues round, scientifically. Because of our tireless efforts, we’re on monitor to quickly be No. 2 in science on the planet! Individuals thought they wouldn’t see American scientific dominance destroyed of their lifetime, however that simply exhibits their failure of creativeness. Have you ever seen U.S. scientists nowadays? Those who haven’t already fled to Europe? Do you see how twitchy they’re? They don’t know in the event that they’ve acquired funding or not, as a result of we misinterpret their grant software and thought that it had one thing to do with Woke; they don’t know if their labs will exist in a 12 months; they don’t know in the event that they’ll even be capable to get into the buildings the place they work. That is by design. With out mad scientists, how can we ever hope to steer the world in manufacturing of Frankenstein Monsters, genetically reengineered T. rexesand moon-shrinking lasers? Our scientists are actually madder than they’ve ever been, and that’s totally because of DOGE.
We grew exponentially. We have now elevated waste and inefficiency to never-before-seen ranges! 5 hundred tons of lifesaving meals incinerated—at a value of 1000’s of {dollars}.
We modified lives. We have now reworked the lives of 1000’s, within the sense that we’ve made these lives needlessly and unforgivably shorter. Because of the shutdown of USAID, a whole bunch of 1000’s of individuals are actually useless.
We did one thing with billions of {dollars}! The very best half was all of the financial savings. Have been there financial savings? Each time we introduced a variety of {dollars} that our efforts had saved, it turned out that that quantity was fallacious. This gave everybody the chance to do math. Which is sweet to follow, as a result of the Division of Schooling is gone now. A lot of it’s being rolled into Labor, streamlining the journey from cradle to meeting line—and hopefully shortly, so we will reap the benefits of these tiny fingers!
We created lawsuits! Don’t fear! Along with not saving cash, we additionally value folks cash. We did the whole lot in such a method as to multiply the variety of lawsuits at an astounding fee. Coping with lawsuits is an extremely environment friendly method to spend taxpayer {dollars}, since you pay hundreds of thousands of {dollars} and get … motions and counter-motions, one thing all Individuals can use at house and far desire to listeria-free lettuce.
Mission completed, I say! All the time an excellent signal when a staff of innovators destroys billions of {dollars} of worth after which vanishes into skinny air! The Louvre burglars may study a factor or two.
So few folks, touching so many lives so profoundly. Subsequent time we’ll attempt to have a optimistic impression.
